It’s been weighing on my heart and mind. With all of the “me too” floating around, having children (especially teenagers) and working at a High School I’ve had a lot I feel compelled to say.
First, me too! I’ll skip the childhood trauma and jump into my Sophomore year. I was raped by a popular Senior whom lived a block away and offered me a ride home. I never shared my story because I was afraid. I withdrew from school and began counseling. That was after I was harassed and bullied daily by a girl I’ll leave unnamed. I forgive her, now. She was however, awful and took a traumatic experience and exploited it! She ruined my entire High School experience because not only was I terrified of the rapist (whom they didn’t withdraw because it didn’t happen at school, he was a “Senior “ who would graduate and leave the school in time). She however, remained. I was terrified of her bullying me. “Me too” opened up a conversation with my oldest daughter.
“Me too” also made me able to speak to my 16 year old self and forgive her for the years of self torture and bullying . What did I do? Did I somehow ask for it? Why didn’t you press charges to save anyone else from the same abuse? I cannot keep asking myself those questions. I can however share my story and growth.
Secondly, I work at a High School daily and it reminds me of my youth. The cliques, the male teachers sexual glances toward the cute girls, the female teachers loving the attention male students give them. It’s gross! The worst part is working with a group of women who are just simply adult bully’s. Referring to the transgender kids as “it” and “it’s going around” like a disease. Who glance at the “integrated services youth” like they disgust them or are stupid because of their disabilities. The bullies are everywhere and in everything we encounter.
Bullies are and have always been in schools. In jobs. In life. On TV. Social media. It’s everywhere!
I’ve had a weight issue since I gave birth to my twins in 2011, hormone changes, hysterectomy, huge life changes and devastation. Each time an opportunity arises, an eager entrepreneur with an MLM business messages me about their product, I cringe. I’m morbidly obese by the “standards”. No, I don’t want to stay here. My body physically aches and hurts with each extra unwanted pound. My drive and determination sometimes gets wrapped up in the next “big product” that will aid or assist with my diet changes. I try. I fail. Over and over! I’ve sought help from my Dr. I’ve met with Nutritionists. The weight doesn’t come off easy and when it does, it comes back. It’s a vicious cycle. Does this mean I’m giving up? Nope! I keep trying. I get back up and ask God to give me the strength to keep on this journey of self confidence and loving myself where I am right now, in spite of. My weight doesn’t determine who I am or my heart.
I surround myself with cheerleaders and those whom offer genuine tough love. Those who say…today sucked but pick yourself up and try again tomorrow. The moment I saw my 6 year old daughter step on the scale after she woke up (like Mommy does) was the pivotal moment and shift for me. Like, woah! She’s watching my every move. I do my very best with healthy choices in food for nearly 6 years. I’ve cut sugar out by nearly 90-95% over the past three months. I read labels. I’ve cut my carbohydrates intake drastically and implemented a new lifestyle change of eating habits that’s afforded me a 20 pound weight loss thus far. So I’ll pat myself on the back because I know they’re seeing and experiencing the good choices too!
I’ve also come to realize not everyone is for me. This is a self serving world we live in and it’s rare you find true genuine friends or family who unconditionally love you as you are. I’ve had enough people who I thought loved and cared about me try to destroy my very soul. I’ve had strangers attack my character. I’ve beat myself up and I’ve been severely depressed at times in my life. Even depression was thrown in my face, by those closest to me. I’ve never been good enough, thin enough, pretty enough or simply enough of anything until recently.
Now I know, there’s not a single thing another can do that changes the value of who I am. I’m a broken mess whose vulnerability allows me to rest in Gods promise that I’m perfectly made in His image.
If you’re not for me and rooting for me you’re in my way. Self knowledge is a life long process and apparently so is my fitness journey. 🤷🏼♀️ I’m all for supporting business adventures when I’m genuinely interested. Please don’t message the chubby girl because your miracle product is going to fix her. I’ve been my own bully throughout my entire life, so I can recognize one a mile away. Please just show love, give support and share what’s working for you! Be honest and real about your progress good and bad! Your moments of weakness and authenticity.
We need that! We love that! We are encouraged by that. Teach our youth the best we can in how to be a good person. That is a tougher task at times than I’d want to admit. Our indifferences shouldn’t be used to tear each other down. It should open our hearts and eyes to learn to love better, harder and genuinely.
Today, I’ve vowed that I’ll no longer hide behind the camera unless it’s a “good enough” picture. I’ll no longer tolerate being bullied in my life (yes, even as an adult), I’ll teach my children better because I have lots of room for improvement , I’ll forgive freely and love harder.
With that, what can you implement in your life big or small? What changes have you been afraid to make in fear of what others think?
What’s the hardest part about adulting, parenting and marriage for you?
“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:8-10 NIV